


what if we had one more night for goodbye

by cafephan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Miscarriage, Surrogacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 13:45:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13928331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafephan/pseuds/cafephan
Summary: In which Dan and Phil's surrogate miscarries, and they're forced to say goodbye to the child they never knew.





	what if we had one more night for goodbye

_\---_

_“I’ll do it.”_

_The statement nearly causes Phil to drop the tray he’s carrying, porcelain teacups and bowls of snacks narrowly avoiding tumbling to the floor._

_“You don’t have to decide right away,” Dan says softly, trying his hardest to ignore his rapidly quickening heartrate. “It’s a huge decision.”_

_“I’ve been thinking it over for weeks now, since it was brought up,” Chloe says with a smile, and looks to each of them in turn. “I want to be your surrogate.”_

_Phil sees Dan tense beside him, and he squeezes his lover’s knee lightly before turning his attention to his oldest friend._

_“Chloe, think about what you’re saying,” he says as calmly as he can. He wants to make absolutely sure there’s no doubt in the redhead’s mind. “You’re willing to go through nine months of pregnancy, and just… give us the baby afterwards? Are you sure?”_

_Chloe nods, her smile not faltering at all. “I’ve kind of wanted to experience it, it’s like a life milestone and all that, but there’s no way I’d ever want to raise a kid. Fuck, I can barely look after myself as it is.”_

_Phil squeezes Dan’s knee again, and Dan moves his hand to lace his fingers through Phil’s._

_“Besides,” Chloe draws both of their attentions back to her. She points to Phil, “I’ve known you since we were toddlers, we’ve grown up together, and I know you like the back of my hand. I know how much you want this,_ deserve _this, and if I can be the one to give you what you’re destined to have, it would be my genuine honour.”_

_When Phil can’t speak, Dan squeezes his hand, before Chloe turns her attention to Dan, this time pointing at him._

_“And you,” she says with a grin, “You make him happy, which means you make me happy. I’ve never seen two people more ready for parenthood, no child would ever have a more loving home than right here. I’ve known you for what, ten years now?”_

_Dan nods, and Chloe’s smile grows._

_“I know nobody deserves this more than you two. I know you don’t feel like you do, sometimes you don’t feel like you deserve anything, but you do. You_ both _do.”_

_The room falls silent whilst Chloe takes a sip of her coffee._

_“Listen,” she places her mug on the coffee table and clasps her hands together. “I know it seems like I’m rushing into this decision. But I_ want _to do this. I want to give you the best thing life could possibly give you, the thing I know Phil’s been wanting since we were four, and he wrote ‘someday I’m going to be the best daddy in the world and my child is going to have so much chocolate’.”_

_Phil’s laugh comes out shaky, and Dan feels Phil’s hands shaking beneath his own._

_“And I’ve read your school leavers’ book,” Chloe nods to Dan. “Life hasn’t quite gone the way you mapped it out to be, but you can still have what you wanted. You told me once you never thought you’d feel like you do now, with this dork here,” She pauses momentarily to grin at Phil, “But you fell in love, built this life together. You know what the only thing missing now is.”_

_Weakly, Dan nods._

_“So,” she holds out her arms and wiggles her fingers, her copper curls cascading down her back as she does so. “Can I be your baby mama?”_

_The two men practically fall over their feet as they bound over to tackle Chloe into a hug, all three of them laughing and crying._

_“You’re both going to be amazing dads,” Chloe says, clearly choked up. “You really really are.”_

_When they part, Phil can see a light in Dan’s eyes that he can only assume matches his own, and as they hug each other, falling into each other’s bodies on shaky legs, there’s nothing that can dull their smiles._

_\--_

“Should we bring something?” Phil asks as Dan tugs his hand down the street, weaving in and out of passersby, their hands in an iron-tight embrace.

“What part of ‘as soon as possible’ didn’t you understand?” Dan rolls his eyes when Phil pulls him backwards, and finds himself standing in front of a bakery.

“Hospitals are nasty places,” Phil states with a shrug, “And she’s having our _baby,_ Dan. I know it’s only a really early scan but she deserves a cupcake at the very least. Besides, she didn’t say as soon as possible, she just said to let her know when we get there.”

At this, Dan takes a breath and lets the stress wash off of him as Phil wraps an arm around his waist and pulls the brunet into his side. They look at themselves in the reflection of the bakery window, and Phil’s grinning.

“We’re going to be _dads_ this year _,”_ he says whilst shaking his head in disbelief. “Us, with a baby. _Our_ baby. Who would’ve thought it, huh?”

“Biologically I have nothing to do with it.” Dan finds himself biting his lip.

It was a decision they made after countless days of discussion, one they were (eventually) both happy with, even though Dan insisted it from the get-go.

“Hey,” Phil gently runs his thumb across the skin just below the hem of Dan’s shirt. “I’ve had enough of you inside me over the years to constitute you being part of it too.”

At this, Dan pulls away in disgust and places a hand on his hip. “Why’d you have to go and ruin the moment like that?”

Phil leans forward and presses a kiss to the tip of Dan’s nose. “It’s what I do best.”

He then walks into the bakery without another word, and Dan runs a hand through his hair before following suit.

Phil is already near the front of the queue, marvelling at all the treats on offer, undoubtedly deciding in his mind which will be for Chloe and which will be for himself.

“What would the baby like?” he asks Dan once they’re stood side by side. The question is asked with such ease and so casually it makes Dan’s stomach flip in the best way.

“Whatever Chloe would like, I’d imagine.” The answer causes Phil to raise an eyebrow for a moment.

“Touché,” he ruffles Dan’s hair before stepping up to the counter and reciting their order, which ends up being the same order they always have, as well as a box of cupcakes for Chloe and her mother, who is also at the hospital.

Once out of the bakery, they both check their phones, and upon seeing no further messages, Dan furrows his eyebrows. “Are you sure we should be dawdling like this?”

“She said it’s going to be nothing, just a precaution.” Phil slips his warm hand into Dan’s as they continue walking down the street, though at a more leisurely pace than before. “Try not to worry so much, yeah? Everything’s fine. We’re fine, the baby’s fine, life is going good for us.”

“You’re right.” Dan allows himself to relax once again, and lets himself laugh at the stupid theories Phil is spouting about their latest tv show binge.

Everything is finally going okay.

\--

The entrance to the hospital is surprisingly not as dreadful as they were expecting.

Chloe had insisted they didn’t go to any previous scans with her (though they did ask every time, she told them to focus on their work and, in her own words, “make sure the kid has a nest egg to fall back on”, which caused many a laugh), and she filmed every scan for them anyway. 

The simple grey patterned carpet gave way to cream coloured walls, other walls made entirely of windows, bathing the building in a refreshing, calming daylight. Dan makes sure to point them out to Phil, who blushes when he realises why Dan finds it so funny. He shoves him playfully and they’re in fits of happy, delirious giggles all the way to the lifts.

Once on Chloe’s floor, Dan takes Phil’s hand lightly in his as they make their way to the front desk.

“Chloe Botham,” he says to the receptionist, who nods and sets to typing something on her computer.

Dan turns to Phil, who is looking around the waiting room, his eyes not staying on one area for more than what seems like a millisecond. The nerves are practically radiating from him, and there’s little more Dan can do than squeeze his hand, and it seems to have no effect.

“You don’t want to know why we’re here?” Phil blurts out as the receptionist continues to type, otherwise ignoring them. His outburst startles Dan.

“Your situation has been explained to us, sirs.” Is all the receptionist offers in response, and Phil nods sharply then gets back to looking around the room which he must have already covered every inch of at least four times. “Take a seat.” The receptionist sounds snappier than before, and Dan tries his hardest to smile politely before they turn around and head over to two vacant chairs, the only vacant chairs, right next to the little play area in the corner of the waiting room.

They fall into silence as they both stare down at the toys. Though Dan knows he’s getting ahead of himself, he can’t help but envision himself and Phil playing with the toys with their future child, him and Phil laughing and smiling, their child gurgling happily, knocking down the tower of blocks either he or Phil stacked a few seconds prior. Dan’s always had a vivid imagination, and he’s rarely been more thankful for it than right now.

“Can we get something today? After we’re done?” Phil asks from beside him, capturing Dan’s attention instantly.

“What did you have in mind?”

Phil shrugs, though his gaze is fixed on a novelty size unicorn plushie slumped against the wall.

“Something small. I know we agreed we wouldn’t get anything essential yet, I was just thinking maybe we could get something for every scan from now on, like a little reminder of each one?”

The idea sends a warm feeling through Dan’s chest, and he brings Phil’s hand up to his lips and kisses his knuckle softly.

“Of course,” he smiles, and keeps his voice barely higher than a whisper. The waiting room is full, and this moment is just for them. “Whatever you want.”

At this, Phil smiles too, and closes the small gap between them, leaving a lingering kiss on Dan’s lips, one that leaves his lips tingling long after his lover pulls away.

“Can you believe this is happening?” Phil asks, matching Dan’s volume of voice.

Phil’s gaze is still on the toys beside them, and Dan knows Phil’s imagining a similar scenario to what he was mere minutes before.

“No,” Dan replies, and looks down at their linked hands, and doesn’t bother to fight the smile that definitely isn’t going away any time soon. “And I definitely can’t believe it’s happening with you.”

Phil meets his eyes, and Dan’s sure he can see Phil’s eyes glistening, and they lean into the next kiss with practiced ease. It leaves Dan with a light feeling, and he feels on top of the world, and every other cliché he could think of. He was living it.

\--

Forty minutes later, nobody has entered or left the waiting room, and both Dan and Phil are beginning to feel tense. Antsy from not being able to have any contact with Chloe – once they let her know they were in the hospital, she told them the doctor told her to put her phone away for some reason or other – and tense from sitting in the same uncomfortable hospital chairs.

Doctors and nurses are constantly making their way up and down the hallway, and Phil has had to pull Dan back down on the multiple occasions he’d started to stand up to ask what was happening.

“I think I’m going to have a wander to the gift shop,” he tells Phil, and the other man looks up from his phone at him and nods.

“Get me something nice,” he smiles, and Dan smiles back.

“You already have me,” he teases, and Phil laughs softly before waving him off, and promising to text if anything changes.

\--

The gift shop is really nothing out of the ordinary, yet Dan feels his stomach flip as he looks around at all the things on offer. He spends a good few minutes looking over the congratulations balloons and the ‘it’s a girl/boy’ banners, and smiles at a few verses in some cards.

He picks up a couple of chocolate bars for himself and Phil, knowing that they won’t be breaking out their goods from the bakery anytime soon. But what really catches his eye is the selection of teddy bears on the shelves beside the till.

He studies each one intensely, earning some weird glances from other customers, but he pays them no mind. _Hey don’t judge me, this is for my future kid,_ he tells them silently, causing himself to smile once again. It’s a nice feeling.

His gaze lingers on a teddy bear with a yellow and black plaid bowtie, and though Dan should probably be ashamed as for the reason why, he snatches it from the shelf and hands it over to the cashier along with the chocolate without as much as a second thought.

But, to be fair to him, he has always told Phil how good he looked on the day they met.

He hurries out of the gift shop and back towards the lifts, smiling down at the teddy bear staring back up at him from inside the bag.

\--

“You know how you said you wanted something to commemorate each scan?” Dan asks as he sits back down beside Phil, who puts down his phone to give his fiancé his full attention.

Phil raises an eyebrow.

“Don’t be mad, but I couldn’t resist,” Dan rests a hand on Phil’s knee whilst he digs around in the bag with his other hand, and presents the small bear to Phil a second or two later.

He can see that Phil immediately hones in on the bowtie, as Dan did, and the eye roll he gives Dan is the definition of fond, and it definitely shouldn’t have Dan swooning as much as it does.

“You’re a fucking dork,” Phil’s voice is breathy, and his eyes are glistening again.

He pulls Dan in for a hug, or as much of a hug as they can manage with the uncomfortable chair armrest between them, and when they pull apart Phil is smiling down at the bear.

“The baby’s going to love it,” he says, running his thumb over the bear’s stomach.

“They are,” Dan agrees, and they fall into silence for a while, until Dan can’t bite the question back anymore. “Do you have a preference?”

The question causes Phil’s head to snap up and face him, and he immediately shakes his head.

“None.” he says with complete sincerity. “Why, do you?”   

Dan shakes his head. “Makes no odds to me. I’ll love them the same whoever and whatever they turn out to be.”

Phil moves a hand to stroke Dan’s cheek. “That’s beautiful, in a Dan kind of way.”

“The kid’s going to have two dads, we have to be progressive.” Dan adds, and Phil laughs, earning a few curious (and some irritated) stares from the people around them.

“The best two dads, though.” Phil nods decisively at his own statement, and Dan takes Phil’s hand and traces gentle patterns into his palm, the nerves are still ever-present in his partner.

\--

It feels like a million eternities before a nurse eventually calls for the visitors for Chloe, and Dan and Phil both ignore the aches trailing throughout their bodies from the uncomfortable chairs and follow the nurse down the hallway, pausing in front of a door when she does.

She knocks a couple of times, and they hear a faint “come in” from inside.

Dan takes Phil’s hand again and they share an excited smile, which falls immediately once they enter the room.

It’s deadly silent.

Chloe is on the bed in the corner of the room, her mother in a chair on the other side, and the doctor is sitting in front of the computer beside Chloe’s bed, something clearly bothering him.

Dan feels Phil’s fingers slip out of his own, and a soft thud follows as their arms fall helplessly against their sides.

“Hi,” Chloe offers a weak smile and a wave, and she gestures to the other two chairs placed in the room, and Dan and Phil walk over to them without a word.

One of the first things Dan notices is Chloe’s mother’s soft sobs, like she’s clearly trying to hide them, along with the crumpled tissue in her fist and the pile of tissues beside her chair.

“This is Doctor Edwards.” Chloe introduces the man beside her, clearly not holding any resentment for Dan and Phil not replying to her before, as her tone is the same. Broken.

“Nice to meet you.” Doctor Edwards slides his chair over to shake both of their hands, before heading back over to the computer and clicking through what Dan assumes are Chloe’s scan pictures.

_Is it? Is it nice to meet me?_ Dan asks silently, but his gut feeling is telling him he doesn’t want to know the answer.

The room falls into silence.

Chloe is biting her lip and looking down at her hands, her mother has her head in her hands, and Doctor Edwards is still clicking through pictures. And Dan fears what he’ll sound like if he attempts to speak.

“Chloe?” Phil’s voice pierces the silence, and his friend snaps her head up, and it’s then that Dan can really see the bags under her eyes, and in the light streaming in through the blinds, the fact her eyes are red-rimmed.

When Chloe looks over to the two of them, she opens her mouth, but all that leaves her is a strangled sob, and she clasps her hands over her mouth and shakes her head as tears begin spilling from her eyes, clearly not for the first time.

At the sight, Dan feels himself tense, and he can see Phil doing the same beside him. He can also see Phil begin to shake, and Dan sits on his own hands so he can trick himself into believing he’s not doing the same. He feels like he’s going to burst if someone doesn’t tell him exactly what’s going on, but a bigger part of his sub-conscious is screaming at him that he doesn’t want to know.

But it’s _his and Phil’s baby,_ god damn it, he deserves to know.

“I’m so sorry,” Chloe croaks, the words immediately swarmed by sobs, now matched by her mother who was no longer attempting to hide them.

“Sorry?” Dan no longer cares how he sounds (fortunately, because he sounds _terrible_ ) and he tries his hardest to hold Chloe’s gaze, but she’s now crying into her hands.

“What’s happened?” Phil’s voice is even shakier than Dan’s.

Nobody speaks.

Doctor Edwards eventually stops clicking, at which point another doctor enters the room, sending a friendly smile to everyone as she makes her way over to the computer, and looks over what Doctor Edwards has been studying.

Dan watches as the new doctor’s expression falls, her lips fixing into a frown, and she nods solemnly.

She then pats his shoulder, and smiles again at Dan and Phil as she leaves, but it’s nowhere near the same calibre as the first. This smile is full of sympathy, Dan could identify it anywhere.

Doctor Edwards sighs and runs a hand through his hair, and swivels around on his chair.

_There’s that same fucking smile._

“Daniel, Philip,” he greets them again, and clasps his hands together. “Thank you for coming.”

Dan finds it an odd turn of phrase, but doesn’t say so.

“As you can see behind me,” he gestures to the screen behind him, projecting a bigger image of what was on the computer. “These are Chloe’s earlier scan pictures.”

Dan isn’t a doctor, he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be looking at or looking for. Judging by the way Phil leans forward in his seat, he doesn’t either.

Doctor Edwards presses his lips together for a moment. “Did,” he pauses for a second. “Did Chloe tell you this scan today wasn’t scheduled?”

Chloe is now looking at them through her fingers, her face red and blotchy.

“She’s never wanted us at the scans before, so we don’t know when they are…” Phil explains, and Dan nods. “She films them for us…”

Doctor Edwards turns to Chloe, who sobs into her hands again.

“I thought it was nothing,” she says through choked sobs, and Doctor Edwards runs his hand through his hair again.

“And it is nothing, right?” Phil gets to his feet, swaying immediately as his equilibrium is thrown off-balance by his shaky legs. “Chloe, tell him to tell us it’s nothing!”

“I’m so sorry,” Chloe sobs, and shakes her head.

“Chloe…” he tries again, and his friend can only shake her head.

“Mister Lester, please,” Doctor Edwards pleads, his voice more insistent than before.

Dan thinks to himself that the pieces should be falling into place for him as they apparently are for Phil, but he doesn’t think he’d even be able to remember his own name right now.

“No, I’m not letting you say it!” Phil raises his voice, Dan can see he’s desperately trying to keep himself composed.                                                                                                                                                                                               

Dan’s brain has gone into overdrive, but he just can’t piece anything together.

“Phil,” Dan slowly reaches out to touch Phil’s arm, and Phil immediately turns to look at him.

“Dan you can’t let them,” he trails off as he sits back down, and he wipes at his eyes with his hands. He looks at Dan with tear-filled eyes. “You can’t let them say-“

“Chloe has miscarried your baby.”

The words hang in the air.

His hand slips from Phil’s arm and hits the side of his metal chair with force, but he doesn’t feel the pain. Chloe is crying again, hysterically now, and Phil is sat with his fists clutching his jeans, and he’s shaking his head.

“No.”

Doctor Edwards sighs, and straightens his jacket.

“Mister Lester, please.”

“You’re _lying!”_ Phil shouts, even louder than before, and he turns to Dan. “He’s lying, isn’t he?”

He looks vulnerable, desperate, pleading.

When Dan doesn’t respond, because he just doesn’t know how, Phil’s gaze drops to his lap.

“Isn’t he?” he asks again, voice now a whisper.

“I thought there was less of a chance with this being-“

“I’m afraid not. There was still every chance.” Doctor Edwards cuts Chloe’s mother off, voice matter-of-fact.

“Is there anything I could’ve done?” Chloe has to lean in to be heard.

Doctor Edwards shakes his head and pats Chloe’s hand gently.

“I’m sorry, truly. There’s… never an easy way.”

It’s then that Phil is reduced to hysterics, and he curls into himself as sobs turn into wails, each one tearing Dan’s heart into another million pieces. He wants to reach out to his fiancé, he wants to comfort him, but he just doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know how to do anything.

Dan is all too familiar with feeling numb, but this is something new entirely. He’s hurting so much that he’s… not. It’s eating him up to the point he has nothing left to give in, nothing left to feel.

“Dan…” he hears Chloe’s weak voice call his name, and he looks away from Phil to meet her watery gaze. “I’m so sorry…”

He can’t bring himself to respond, just nods, and looks down at his lap, scuffs his shoe against the tiling. He accidentally kicks over the bag from earlier, and the teddy bear goes skidding across the floor, stopping bang in the middle of the room, grabbing everyone’s attention.

The room is still silent, everyone staring at the bear except for Phil who is still curled into himself, sobbing. Every sound from the hallway echoes.

The dull chatter, the clicking of heels, the rolling of wheelchairs. The laughter of a child.

And that’s when Dan breaks like a fucking dam.

He lurches forward as the first sob escapes him, and slips off the chair in the process, falling to the ground with a thud he doesn’t feel. He wipes helplessly at his eyes as he crawls over to Phil, and wraps his arms around him, and it’s only seconds before Phil moves so he’s leaning into him. Dan holds him as tightly as he can, and sobs into Phil’s shoulder as he sobs into Dan’s chest.

And that’s all he knows how to do.

Doctor Edwards stands to his feet and excuses himself, and Chloe’s mother moves over to comfort her daughter, every single one of them are helpless, broken.

Dan rests his head on Phil’s, gently stroking his hair, and looks up at the scan pictures. It’s almost as if he wants to torture himself more. Though he still doesn’t know what he’s supposed to have been looking for, he knows that his future child is in there somewhere – but soon won’t be.

The future child that would go with them to choose their second dog, Phil always said their kid would go for a corgi ( _“they’ll have taste, like their best dad!”)_ and Dan always said they’d go for a shibe _(“the kid will be exposed to memes from a very young age, they’ll be in love.”)_

The future child that they would treat with ice cream sundaes after a glowing parents’ evening report _(“they’re going to be a genius, with my degrees in their genes, how could they not be!” “and even if they’re not, they’ll have my silver tongue, they’ll smooth talk an A out of any teacher”)._

The future child they’d treat with a _you’ve got this_ care package after their first heartbreak ( _“my mum did one for me, and it helped so much, our kid isn’t going to be heartbroken for long!” “they might not get heartbroken, our kid is going to find The One.” “I thought you didn’t believe in The One?” “I didn’t until I met you.”)_

The future child they’d treat with a celebratory party when they get accepted into their first choice university ( _“My going away party was the best and the worst, I had the most delicious cake of my life because my parents drove to this fancy bakery an hour away to get it, but I ate so much I threw up and passed out. Our kid will have a better tolerance for cake than me, right?” “I didn’t have one, my family just took me out for a nice meal, it was really lowkey but I want to go all out for when our kid goes, okay?” “What if they choose not to go to university?” “Then we’ll change the banners to read to ‘congratulations on’ and then whatever they’re doing, we’re progressive dads who validate every possible outcome for our child’s future.”)_

The future child they’d treat to everything their heart desires on their wedding day, as the two proud fathers sit sobbing on the front row.

The future child that they’ll never have the chance to meet.

\--

“Here,” Chloe hands over a leather-bound book, with foam letters spelling ‘baby’ stuck-on diagonally across the front cover. “I was going to give you this after the baby was born, but…”

Phil runs his thumb over the foam letters, and feels his eyes burn with tears that won’t come, he’s all cried out.

Carefully, he opens the book, and soon finds that Chloe took a picture of the bump leading from the day she was confirmed pregnant up until the very day they’re struggling to get through. He begins to slide the book into Dan’s lap, but the brunet is still staring at the blank white wall, unblinking and unmoving. Phil wants to reach out to him, take his hand or something, but he just feels a million miles away, and he knows ultimately there’s nothing he can do. There’s nothing any of them can do.

The coffee table situated between the sofas they’re all sitting on is worn after years of use, and one of the cupcakes they’d bought for Chloe sits in its wrapper in the centre of the table. Chloe attempted to pick at it, they all had, but none of them could stomach anything except for water from the cooler down the hallway. They’d each made lame excuses to go to the cooler and cry more, away from everyone else.

Dan is clutching the teddy bear he’d bought from the gift shop in his hands, and Phil notices all of Dan’s fingernails have been nibbled down to nothing.

It’s been a few hours since the news.

They were (gently, delicately) ushered out of the room due to another patient needing to use it, but they hadn’t gotten far. The first seating area they had come across was where they all collapsed, not wanting to stray too far from the department, they had a meeting to discuss the next steps later in the day. Chloe had been advised to take a walk, get some fresh air, but she refused to leave Dan and Phil’s sides, and Dan and Phil refused to leave Chloe’s (and the baby’s) side. Phil was thankful, in a way, he’s cried so much he doesn’t think he’d be able to handle sunlight.

Phil realises his friend is still waiting for an answer, a reaction, and he sends her a weak smile.

“Thank you, really.”

Chloe sends her own weak smile in response, and reaches to wipe at her raw eyes with the hand that isn’t in her mother’s tight grip.

Out of his peripheral vision, Phil sees Dan glance over to the book, and a couple of seconds later Dan silently gets up and walks around the corner.

Chloe and her mother watch him go, and Phil quickly excuses himself, rests the book on the table and sets after him.

It’s hard to miss him, the six-foot-tall man slumped against the wall, knees to his chest. They’d managed to find a relatively quiet area of the hospital, at least compared to the rest of what Phil had seen, he’d only noticed about two nurses walking behind the area they were set up in. He walks over and sinks to the floor, and tentatively reaches out to place a hand on Dan’s knee.

“I can’t do it.” The immediate response is enough to take Phil aback slightly, but Dan’s broken voice is enough to make his heart break again. “I really don’t think I can.”

“You don’t have to do anything yet,” Phil replies, trying his best to sound calm and not at all as heartbroken as he feels. “And I’ll be there when you do. When we both do.”

Dan slowly stretches out his legs to reveal his crumpled form. He’s avoiding Phil’s eyes, but Phil’s attention is immediately drawn to Dan’s hands, where he’s twisting the engagement ring around his finger, inching closer to taking it off.

“Any of it.” Dan slides the ring off, then freezes, holding it in mid-air just past his fingertip. He’s looking down at it as if it’s the most interesting and captivating thing in the world, and Phil feels his own world shattering once more.

“Is,” Phil chokes on his words, but tries again. “Is that what you want?”

Dan bites his lip, and squeezes his eyes shut for a few seconds, slowly shaking his head.

“I don’t know what I want,” he says, “I don’t fucking know anything anymore.”

“You know me,” Phil replies all too quickly, causing Dan’s head to snap up and he finally holds his fiancé’s gaze. “I haven’t changed.”

“Everything’s changed.”

Phil swallows back the lump in his throat. “This hasn’t.” He reaches forward and places his hand over Dan’s, and runs his forefinger over the ring.

Dan bites his lip, and squeezes his eyes shut again.

Phil watches him with a pleading stare, and eventually Dan pushes the ring back on his finger, shuffles forward and practically dives into Phil’s chest, a fresh wave of sobs accompanying him.

Instinctively Phil puts his arms around him, wanting to protect him from any and all dangers. But Dan’s biggest dangers have always been inside his own head, up until today, and it’s that which makes Phil begin to cry again too, and they cling onto each other like a lifeline.

Then again, they always have.

Always will.

After all, they’ll always be a family.

**Author's Note:**

> you can tell angst isn't my speciality but i wanted to tackle this storyline as it's been in my head for a while now and i just wanted to get it out
> 
> thank you for reading
> 
>  
> 
> twitter; bloggerhowell  
> tumblr; cafephan
> 
> title credit; These Four Walls by Little Mix


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